Trauma Informed Integrative Therapist
Zuzana Bubalova

Anger Redefined: Your Guide to Inner Transformation

Welcome. In this article I will guide you to self-discovery and personal transformation. We will dive into the our emotions, where we will confront the formidable force of anger, that many of us wrestle with daily.  This narrative isn’t just about exposing some of the roots of our anger, it’s about a profound journey to reshape our inner thoughts, what we feel and how the world responds to us. Together, we’ll unlock the secrets to cultivating a new way of being and setting course for a better life.

Some people very often experience irritation and anger. Emotions that seems have taken root within them a color their everyday experience. And that is their experience for as long as they can remember. That, of course, can be a real problem.

That perpetual anger can show itself in many forms. Outward open aggression is the obvious one. But many people suppress anger or turn it inwards.  And so there are many different ways we can let anger to poison our existence. And unfortunate truth is, that it is not only us, our life and our health that is affected by it. But also the people around us experience negative consequences of our anger.

Don’t take me wrong. The right amount of anger has a rightful place in our lives! Serving as a protective function. But I am now talking about habitual, excessive, frequent and dysfunctional anger, that many people suffer from. The type of anger that is affecting our lives and our relationships in negative, even destructive ways.  

Working with clients, I can see, that almost always that big part of rage is inward. What is very good to realize, that the person who has that much anger, has an enormous amount towards themselves.

And so one of the things these people don‘t realize is happening, is what their inner monologue is. Because your inner monologue is so frequent, ubiquitous and always present,  that it’s easy to forget that it’s there. That’s the sort of tricky part about it. Just like fish swimming in the water don’t realize they are in the water. You don’t realize the subconscious stream of thoughts that constantly flow.

But, when you become aware of that self talk, you may find, that it is the angriest, the most violent self-talk you can imagine. Often, angry people don’t tolerate any mistakes. If is is anything than their perfect standard, it can result in the inner talk to become really harsh and critical to yourself.

If that is the case, this has to change. Because when you are that angry at your self, you are going to be the type of person causing a lot of suffering to yourself and inevitably to everyone else around you. Because this aggression is going to spill into how you interact with the world.

So what can you do to shed this trait? Can this be undone?

If you are willing to do certain amount of work, change this habit by systematically re-learn a different type of self-talk, to change the way you interact with yourself, it’s possible. For anyone, at any age. So, if you are ready, here is this exercise you can do:

  1. Every single time you do something, where you would have that self talk,
  2. You will immediately STOP yourself,
  3. And pretend it was not you who just did that, but it was one of your closest friends
  4. And instead you will AUDIBLY speak to that person as though they are the one that made the mistake
  5. And you are to record this on your phone

So, if you are there, for example you came back form Grocery Shopping: While unpacking the bags, your mind begins to ruminate inside“ I always buy unhealthy snacks. I have no self-control when it comes to eating right. I’m a failure at maintaining a balanced diet.”  instead of screaming at yourself, imagine it’s your buddy Jane, who just did the less-then-perfectly balanced shopping, what would you say to her?

Pick up the phone, hit the record button and say what you would tell her in that situation. And take the copy of that video, or audio and text it to a trusted friend.   And witness how,  week by week, this exercise rewrites your years-old-habit in your mind and body.

 What happens is, that the part of your mind, the internal critic, who was for years a chairman of all the other parts in your mind, he sat there in the boardroom and no one else got to talk. When you practice this exercise, all of the sudden, you get to the point, when he is sometime not even in the board room anymore. There even may be a time, when you forget how he sounded like.

And it’s not that you will be making fewer mistakes than before, but the difference is that you can communicate with yourself lovingly, with acceptance and compassion. And may be you still will have higher standards for yourself than others, but you will not be beating yourself as hard as you used to. And by extension, you will be beating up other people a lot less.

And this process will show you, first hand, this incredible phenomenon of neuro-plasticity

As few weeks of practice can rewrite years of self-berating self-talk. And remember, transforming the way we speak to ourselves is an act of self-love. By cultivating compassion within, we create a ripple-effect of kindness that extends to our interactions with others, making our environment a more harmonious place.